Old Boys assault hits resistance

MATCH REPORT BY IAN COMINS

On the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, the Old Boy troops were ready to deploy their own weapons of mass destruction against a much improved KPMG side. Playing against the accountants was hardly going to be a war on terror, not least because the bean counters resembled a group of well fed office boys rather than a bunch of lean, desert trained, secret celled, suicidalists but it was going to be a tough encounter. However auspicious the occasion, the game still kicked off with a shrill blast from everybody's favourite funny man, the referee.

[For readers who have yet to encounter this character, either on the pitch or through previous match reports, it is the individual who has as much trouble awarding decisions in Old Boy's favour as Heather Mills does in turning down publicity opportunities.]

The opening exchanges were tighter than a Yorkshire man at the bar with neither side creating any clear cut chances and both defences remained resolute. A flash point came after about ten minutes when Dan stormed through the defence like a German through Paris only be to be halted by a charge into the boards. Despite the rules being pretty clear on penalizing this very dangerous play, the referee, without the benefit of David Patterson's dog, inexplicably failed to red card the KPMG player who was very lucky to escape with a yellow. In keeping with the spirit of the previous games, the funny man couldn't allow Old Boys to have an advantage, so Dan was also yellow carded for good measure.

The encounter could never be described as a classic and the game found it's natural rhythm of scrappy midfield play, solid defending and not too many chances. There was an under current of fruitiness, epitomized with a late challenge on Stevie R, that didn't result in a caution, even though the robust Scottish defender, who usually possesses a tackle harder than John Holmes after a night on the Viagra, was upended and unusually found himself seated on the unforgiving King's turf.

To be fair to the office boys, they met challenge for challenge and kept pressing. Wayno (who needs to give me the name of a good plumber) was going down quicker than Divine Brown at a Hugh Grant Look A Like Convention on many occasions to keep the scores level. However, he was powerless to stop a KPMG rifle that found the bottom corner and allowed KPMG to take a deserved one goal lead.

At the start of the second half, the Old Boys were chasing the game. Sadly this was often done at a pace slower than Professor Hawkins talks in mittens. Owwwwwww. It became a familiar performance, punctuated with some bright spots. Yet again, the Old Boys finishing was not as clinical as it could be with the team blasting more shots than Elliot Spitzer on a $4000 hookers face. The latest addition to the team, Ken, earned himself a new nickname, "The Stick". It's not because he's big and brown, and it is despite him having quicker feet than a thieving bare footed pikey on a hot roof with a PS3 under his arm. His nickname is because he would be "The Boomerang" but he doesn't come back.

With the minutes petering out, the Old Boys were clearly demonstrating where their name came from. The younger, fitter bean counters defended well and kept the Old Boys pressed back. When a scene from Zulu was needed with one big push, the Old Boys found themselves acting out some insipid scene from a Life Time movie, devoid of fluency and passion and with no promise of a money shot to keep you interested.

The money shot never came and like a Mormon on a first date, the Old Boys were left frustrated and thwarted but without the promise of several wives in the future to soften the swelling. The last game of the regular season is in three weeks against Coconut Joes and Old Boys in that time need to find the joy for the game that made them so successful last season.