Wayne shows who he thinks should be voted man of the match.

Thurs 07 Aug - In recognition of the international nature of the Old Boys fan club, and in keeping with the trend of other lesser football clubs to have lucrative foreign tours, this weeks match report has gone international. It is being written from Miami, where the beaches are golden, the women are plastic and the gentlemen's clubs are legendary. Being a sophisticated traveller, it was the duty of this correspondent to immerse himself in the local culture and experience what Miami had to offer. Regrettably, the lack of Spanish meant that he was in for a torrid time although two out of three were ticked off. The beaches were missed as he doesn't like sand. However, as dollars went from hand to g-string quicker than you can say "discombobulating" and after a few Samuel Adams and being surrounded by mounds of semi-naked flesh, the writers thoughts inevitably turned to the report of the encounter between the Old Boys, top of the league after six straight wins, and KPMG, bottom of the league with no wins but not a pushover.

It may have been the alcohol, it could have been the heat, or even the aroma, but it dawned on the writer that the Miami gentlemen's club experience is very much like following an Old Boys game. As with an impending encounter with an exotic dancer, sorry entertainer, there is always the anticipation of something special and this week was no exception. With the squad missing Chiazza, Comins, Deriso, Gardner, Henshaw, Ludford-Thomas and Silvester, the Old Boys in the white Thistle Construction sponsored kit looked lean and hungry but before the game it was impossible to tell whether it would be a 500lb gorilla that turned up or a lithe and mellifluous beauty. However, you pay your money and you take your chance; it could be bump and grind or it could be chump and wish you were blind. Fortunately it was more bump than chump for the Old Boys last night as they were quickly into their stride. In a gentlemen's club, being quick on the draw, or first out of the blocks, is not necessarily a good thing and one could get a name for that type of thing. However, in the Kings Arena, goals are welcome at any time and there's no embarrassment in bursting the back of the net.

Capitalising on the mood was Ord who, with six stitches in his head following a training ground clash just two days before, was industrious and positive. Known for having a penchant for the unusual he demonstrated both sides to his personality; his stage name clearly should reflect the exoticness of his rugged and craggy northern features while conjuring up images of his sublime and sensuous touch. It was inevitable that he would score and he opened the scoring with some composure looping the ball from distance into the top corner demonstrating once again that he's still got a future in the business. This positive start set the pattern of play for the rest of the half; whilst KPMG made the Old Boys work and were quick to close down, the skill and experience of the more mature squad shone through. As with the entertainers in the gentlemen's club, they know its not just about looks. However, the Old Boys were clearly happy to have their own private dances although judging by the smiles on their faces, touching appeared to be allowed. They played with a joy and pleasure rarely seen outside of a gentlemen's club and as this correspondent can attest, for significantly less money. It was as though they were in the row of seats closest to the stage experiencing something usually reserved for the third year of a gynaecological doctorate such was their pleasure. The Old Boys raced into a three goal lead at the half showing all the enthusiasm of a man just released from a ten year prison stretch and taking full advantage of his new found freedom with a bevy of scantily clad dancers in a club. Without the reticence of the showers afterwards obviously.

As always in any report of a game in which he played, there needs to be mention of Hydes, who sashayed through the opposition like a dancer putting herself through college, and moved with grace and purpose all night. Any old music would do for this crowd favourite who never fails to entertain. Tonight was no exception as he worked the tables and picked up gratuity after gratuity although this time turning selfless provider. Whilst not featuring on the score sheet himself, a rare event this season, he assisted. Hydes was allowed his forays due to the ever present security; those gentlemen who ensure that the fun is within the approved and paid for limits and that nobody gets more than they should. The Old Boys have the meanest security in the division and again last night Rogers, Roughead, Sives and Whitaker demonstrated why no drunk with loose hands would ever want to cross their paths. They marshalled, harried, pressured and squeezed, restricting KPMG to only one goal and ensuring that the Old Boys honour remained intact. The KPMG goal was a well crafted blend of speed and power from their top scorer, Kellett who for once managed to beat Sives. The 'keeper was fantastic all night and justly deserved his man of the match award thwarting the attackers like a bucket of ice water on the most ardent of visitors to a gentlemen's club; they were left dispirited and wilted. Had it not been for Sives heroics, Whitaker, displaying a talent that may yet see him promoted to the main stage, could have been the star turn. Involved in so much, he scored again with his reliable left foot direct from a corner helping to demonstrate the softer side of the tough security image. Indeed Whitaker, the boyish face of the hardened defence, is now third top scorer for the season.

Upfront, Cummings played all night as though a visit to the private room to discuss world economics or where he was from, whatever, was the last thing on his mind. His tenaciousness and perseverance reminded one of a very talented entertainer who relied more on quick hands than looks to earn her money and one who would not be caught discussing the international events of the day, at least not with her mouth full. His two goals were well taken and reminded spectators that he has always been the Old Boys top scorer. It also signalled a welcome return for the Buddha, although this is an exotic dance best left to the professionals. Even the young O'Connor whose baby face belies his considerable experience at being turned down, was seeing just reward for his hard work and it was pleasing to see him build upon his goal of last week by bagging a brace, both in the second half and both sweetly struck with his developing right foot. Like an exotic entertainer having finally broken in to the mainstream, its been a while coming but we are all enjoying the performances.

In all the gentlemen's clubs experienced by this correspondent, and for research purposes there were quite a few, another common link between the healthy, sporty, family orientated atmosphere of the Old Boys and the healthy, sporty, family orientated atmosphere of the club became clear. The role of that special group of entertainers who are always there; they link up the shifts, always dance with a smile on their faces, but sometimes fail to get the level of attention given to other more glamorous dancers. Its not that their outfits are dowdy or that their technique is flawed, its just that they are the regular and dependable ones who work hard and keep the money coming in, even during the leaner times. With Gaffin and Shakespeare, the Old Boys always know that the money will keep coming in. Yet again last night, tireless in their endeavours they assisted those around them and ensured that whilst they were not the main event, they were certainly noted and appreciated. And it just goes to show, in keeping with a fantastic gentlemen's club experience, it's not just one dance that makes a night, it's the club, the mood, the atmosphere, the drinks and the quality and range of the dancers. Old Boys showed their quality last night and the fact that they are not a one dancer club and now deservedly sit on a club best seven winning streak start.

Having transcribed another Old Boys win and suffered physically and financially in its research, this correspondent is convinced that watching the Old Boys play is a similar experience to attending a gentlemen's club. Their games have the excitement, the passion and the press of flesh on flesh, occasionally even the odd gratuitous nipple shot, but more importantly, the finish always leaves you feeling strangely gratified yet yearning for more.