Mon 15 Sept - Once upon a time in an old dark wood not too many miles away there lived a band of happy enchanted creatures that used to love playing together and had done for many years. The dark wood was their home and where they were happiest; it provided comfort and shelter and an opportunity to get away from the hustle and bustle of life outside of the wood. Even though each one was different they all liked to dress alike, either in white or green to help them recognise each other when other creatures also came to the wood to play. This tale takes us back, not too long ago, to when these enchanted creatures played with a bunch of mystical animals who used numbers to trick and bamboozle other creatures into paying them large sums of money for little or no value. The enchanted creatures were always the happiest band in the wood as they loved playing together and sought out every opportunity to do so even if it meant enduring the fierce heat of the sun and the taunts of the Sunset whenever they won their games. However, against the number loving mystical animals, the game was not what they thought. The enchanted animals are always happy when their games are hard and their play tough.

A strong influence on the style of play is always Stevie the alcoholic Pegasus. His drinking affliction often belies his fleetness of foot and ability to take flight down the wing. When the mood suits, he is every bit the stuff of legends as other animals stare at his skill like rabbits caught in the glare of the horny wolf at the Saturday night woodland disco. They are compelled to watch even though they realise that its only going to end in trouble. Stevie's mates always like to help him out, especially when he is in this mood. Joe the supersonic hedgehog covers every bit of the woods with his tireless play and is known to show his spikes when the need arises. Another mate happy to show some spike is bridge dweller Inky the pay your toll or lose your legs troll. There's no animals trip trip trapping past him when he's playing and there's no tricking him with bags of candy either; this is one mean troll who has been known to bite the heads off pixies. Occasionally knocking round with these three is Chris the snow yeti. He is sighted from time to time and it is thought that he really does exist but this has never been proven. Most of these species are pale and slow but they have been known to be prone to bursts of speed. Don't ever give them a gun though, they are reckless and indiscriminate shooters.

The woodland is never quiet when this quartet are at play and one of their favourite playmates who always benefit when they are around is Jess the one legged unicorn. Fabled for their rare horns and breathtaking beauty unicorns are one of the enchanted woods most delicate of creatures. Never ones to get in to trouble they do possess a hefty kick when needed. Its often the way in the real world that opposites attract and so it is with these enchanted playmates; alongside the unicorn is Dan the movie star ogre, well known in pillaging circles and always top of the list when it comes to bagging valuables. In true ogre fashion this one comes complete with a fearsome attitude and the strength of two men, which he looks as though he got by crunching their bones and eating them. No play session in the enchanted wood could ever be complete without the loyal bunch of comrades that always quietly watch over the rest from the obscurity and darkness of the back of the wood ensuring that their gentle and magical mates come to no harm. The head of this clan, Stevie the fortune telling Griffin, is well versed in the ways of enchanted play and often predicts things before they happen. During those times that his mystic vision is not right it is still not best to corner him; this one also possesses the deadly blue mist that has been known to engulf weaker creatures in a cloud of fury from which they've never returned. Always paired with Stevie is Ian the intellectual minotaur. When not treating his mates to the value of his infinite wisdom he can be found charging through the woods leaving wide swathes of wreckage in his wake. Particularly strong minded, this minotaur combines the softest of Shakespearean sonnets with the hardest of tackles; it's always an education spending time with this oracle.

Such a demanding job could not be fulfilled by just two enchanted creatures even in a mythical wood where clearly hallucinogenic plants are commonplace and the assistance rides both ends of the spectrum like a naughty young squirrel who, needing money, breaks into the seedy world of upper branch special interest leaves. As the oldest member of the enchanted wood play group, getting past Ray the Sphinx is never easy; his riddles are deadly, as lethal as the extended reach of his cat like limbs. This one is revered for his knowledge and wisdom as well as his ability to endure prolonged periods of drought, a trick he learnt in the deserts of Rameses II and used well in the last 1747 years in the wood. To assist this stately guardian is the youngest of the enchanted crew; Dominic the immortal Labrador puppy. Having lapped too often at the cup which grants ever lasting life, this mate is forever going to be chasing around with boundless energy. Whilst the vision, speed and strength are there, full development will forever be denied to this excitable sleek friend as he has traded his right paws for retaining his youthful looks and living an eternal life. In order for their to be balance in the wood there needs to be karma and no where is this personified more than in Wayne the mushroom stoned pixie. An integral mate of this enchanted posse he is often the last to encounter other animals and has to stop their intentions. Being a fan of the shroom creates its own problems; superhuman strength and reflexes, stunted growth and concentration blackouts being the most obvious. However, it is his mischievous nature that makes him most endearing; he is particularly fond of picking fights with trolls and attempting to give other enchanted groups more play time opportunities than they deserve.

However, even without Tim, the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland who smiles and then disappears leaving just his smile, this story is more than just the characters. Which is a shame, as this cat is renowned for its slinky black coat and of course it's disappearing act. As with all cats, this one is very playful but you've got to watch out for it's claws; it has been known to try and take on griffins, sphinx and minotaurs. Surprisingly, it was Brian the Brownie who did the main disappearing act before their latest play time. Brownies are invisible elves who assist with the lives of the enchanted creatures and are considered very helpful and a benefit to have around. The brownie in our magical wood was extremely helpful, often providing timely and important assistance with no shortage of panache. However, before this play time, the brownie disappeared entirely, largely due to a bout of the same chronic illness that plagues the Pegasus. Their last known movement was recorded outside of the wood, at the place of one star, but currently their whereabouts are unknown. Maybe they are hiding with Steve the bearded garden gnome, also missing from the usual play time crew; a small human like creature who stand just one or two feet tall; identifiable by their odd high pitched voice. Gnomes are generally considered to be friendly most of the time but have been known to be very tricky. This one needs monitoring as when he appears he has demonstrated a fierceness and commitment way beyond his diminutive stature. Also missing and a similarly aggressive playmate is Matt the hobbled hobgoblin. These creatures are renowned for their love of eating birds, especially ones that have flown a lot, and are easily recognisable as they wobble when they walk. This has been put down to naturally slim legs; legend has it that their ancestor was a stork, and also recent injury that has temporarily made this hobgoblin a quadruped.

We've set the scene and the enchanted wood was about to see something special. It could almost become a campfire song; "Pegasus, Pegasus, troll, ogre; hedgehog, yeti, Pegasus, ogre, ogre, hedgehog, Pegasus, yeti and sphinx", set to the tune of "She'll be coming round the mountain" played on pan pipes by a mermaid. However, on the basis that these enchanted creatures have yet to hear this song, least of all see a mermaid in a forest, as everyone knows they don't exist, the tune has to be slightly different. It might even be "where's the Brownie gone", sung to the tune of "I aint missing you at all" by John Waite played on empty green bottles, but the brownie probably still has a headache and feels sick. Poor little brownie maybe they should get out of bed before 9pm on a playing night. The game they played was a lesson to all woodland creatures, enchanted or not, and it was also a statement. The lesson was how to tidy the forest and keep it neat, and the statement was that they are on top of the tallest tree in the forest; the one that Swampy chained himself to before he gave it all up to become a stockbroker in Berkshire. Hunt. Those number loving mystical animals (remember them?) were pleased that they counted magic beans for a living as they needed more than two of their stumpy forest worn hands. The Pegasus got them counting with a quick couple, low and hard and then the sexiest strike seen in the forest since Kylie Minoque, herself an enchanted little pixie, refused to show her bum. The troll then showed that he was more than just a bridge monitor with a drive that a field mouse would be proud of. Just before they stopped for a rest, the ogre popped up with a chip that even if it had been branded with a golden arch, it could not have been tastier.

When they got going again, the Hedgehog, having had his saucer of milk and piece of bread, set the tone for the rest of the play time, beaten the number wizards defence spell. The yeti then used his devastating pace, over taking an glacier at full pelt, to again defeat the now hapless goal guard. Then the Pegasus, clearly reeling from drying out and only being refreshed with water from the enchanted forests magic spring, showed that he likes doing things in threes; not like Gary Glitter who puts things into threes. However, he's not welcome in the forest any more, not since the incident with the fairies. At this point, the mushroom stoned pixie, awoken from his dream about dancing pink dragons who breath trifle, released the ogre who gladly filled his boots once more. Not content, as ogres never are, he quickly got another one to which he put his entire weight, and that of the forest behind. Never has a thing been harder struck since Ulrika Johnson in a Parisian bar. Until the hedgehog struck with such venom that even Stan Colleymore, taking time out from observing his wife with a truck driver in a car park in the New Forest, was impressed. The Pegasus and the yeti then exchanged two quick strikes before the real enchantment of the evening arrived. The Sphinx, renowned for riddles and patience and death finally showed the magic that he guards. To the delight of the entire forest, his time in the desert is now over. Even Terry Waite scored more frequently and he was a Christian missionary chained to a radiator for many years.

All the talk in the enchanted forest is now whether this happy band can ever be beaten. With their magic the answer should be no and they should all live happily ever after.