Richard Addison 2nd - Season   Tom Elliot 8th - Season   Daniel Cummings 11th, 12th & 13th- Season   Paul Blenkinsop 4th - Season

11 Aug 2009 - King's Sports Centre, Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
Discovered by the Germans in 1904, on the Austro-Hungarian border, playing football with Archduke Franz Ferdinand, they named the team "Old Boys", which of course in German means "a whale's vagina". In a no way unusual written monologue, surely there's no way that's correct? Indeed, the EB is sorry; it was trying to impress the readers and now being honest, is sure that no-one knows what it means anymore as scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago. Following another unusual monolgue discussion during which it is suggested that the team was so named because of the age of it's players, the EB believes that this was just a rumour. Let's just agree to disagree.

But enough of that and back to the events of Tuesday night. There are stories epic, and grand stories that are forever lost in the sands of time, forgotten or changed by cruel kings who can hear only the whispers of these lost legends. Still other tales become too frightening for future generations to impart to their young. But other stories are lost to us because they don't test well with recruited audiences, or because a movie is too long, and the story must be cut for time. This is one of those tales. This is the chaff from the wheat, the skim from the milk, the pudding from the all-you-can-eat lobster buffet, and the surgeon guy from Prince and the Revolution. This is Old Boys against Marriott. 60% of the time, they win every time, and with a strong line up that included bits of real panther, so you know it's good, and in the Thistle Construction black, the question was whether the OBs were going to make a little kitty purr or have it vomiting in its mouth at the stench. After the Maples debacle where the formation was more smelly pirate hooker than sexy total football, anything was possible but the OBs collectively knew one thing about their previous performance; Spiderman's balls.. it hurt.

Just as diversity was an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era, so commitment was the extension of an invitation to a pants party. The OBs have traditionally lacked neither and tonight was no exception. The youngest, Addison (23) and the oldest, Gaffing (52) paired up for only the second time this season and with Chiazza back, and Blenkinsop in the middle with T Elliot, it was pretty much going to be a strong performance with up-for-it players. Whilst others may prefer to drink about six bottles of white wine, pi ss their pants, drive down to Mexico, and shoot some stray dogs as a standard Tuesday night, the OBs are different; although they do go through a lot of underwear.

The game followed pretty much the same expected pattern; pressure, shots, goals, and weird decisions from referees who think they are very important because they have many leather-bound books and their apartments smell of rich mahogany. But despite being in a glass case of emotion following their first defeat, the OBs play was positive and buoyant and fun. Maybe it was because there were groupies in attendance for the second week running? It is clear that the OB's fame has no boundaries. The EB knows times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and the EB is going to have to learn how to deal with it. Don't get it wrong, the EB loves the ladies, they rev its engines, but they don't belong on the football pitch. It is Old *Boys*, not Old *Girls*. Rumour has it that the groupies were there because they were wanting to meet the Octagon, James Westfall and Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. As it was, one believed she got snubbed even though it wasn't but the EB is sure she did eventually get to meet the whole gang. If she didn't, the EB thinks that several of the players would willingly offer them each two tickets to a private gun show.

With the score 3-0 at half time following goals from Addison, T Elliot and Cummings, the OBs looked in a commanding position. The first goal was very well taken, a sublime finish from Addison who was that pleased with his performance he later remarked "I'd like to take Mother Nature to a sleazy motel, get in the shower, and... wash each other all over, and then go in the bedroom and do things you can only do in Bangkok..." because by the beard of Zeus, it was a good finish. A cross-field run past two defenders and a nonchalant chip over the keeper, it is in the frame for goal of the season. Unlike T Elliot's which, despite compelling evidence to the contrary, was not an own goal. After hearing that the goal had been given to T Elliot, the groupie's were overheard suggesting that the decision of the Dubious Goals Committee either smelt like a used diaper filled with Indian food or a turd covered in burnt hair. The EB thought the decision smelt like Bigfoot's di ck. The second half largely followed a similar pattern, Cummings added a further two to complete his twelth career hat-trick and seal his man of the match award (only his career second) and then Blenkinsop then finished things off with a sharp finish from the edge of the area, kung-fu style.

A quick message to players absent, Ludford-Thomas, Cross, Gardner and Shakespeare. The OBs need you. Hell, the EB needs you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think we should get an apartment together. Potentially odd room-mates, but people seem to like the EB because it is polite and is rarely late. The EB likes to eat ice cream and really enjoys a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell the EB that it has an I.Q. of 48 and is what some people call mentally retarded.

Either way, Old Boys 6, Marriot 0. Great story. Compelling, and rich.