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25 Aug 2009 - King's Sports Centre, Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
As the educated reader knows, which causes an immediate quandary as the EB doesn't possess any, martinis are classically made from four parts gin and one part martini. This is called the grandfather of martinis and the first one ever made, in California was sampled by Gaffing (93) who declared it to be the elixir of quietude and then went off to discover gold in San Francisco in '49. A tremendous lush, Gaffing is still best remembered for his goal of the season in 2007, when he was but a mere 91. From such humble beginnings, the martini has developed a life of its own, with alternative bases and mixers and mixing methodologies all having their own proponents and champions. A hero of the EBs, Winston Churchill, favoured less vermouth and used to recommend that the nearest that the gin got to the vermouth was to look at it from across the room. Which funnily enough, is the closest that L Elliott will get to the goal and scoring this season since his débuting flurry. Others argue how it should be mixed; some suggest shaking to Waltz time, which is slightly faster than Henshaw running after the ball, or Somerset Maughan (another certified card carrier of the EJ fan club) declared that "martinis should always be stirred, not shaken, so that the molecules lie sensuously one on top of the other," which is the polar opposite of what T Elliott and Chiazza think about tackling where the molecules should be booted as far apart from each other as possible.
Anyway, back to game which found itself being mixed in a shaker by the Maker himself with crushed ice and a number of surprise ingredients. Bond, always preferring his martinis shaken and not stirred, would definitely have agreed that McAlpine's taking the lead was a shaking moment and to labour the pun, it stirred the OBs in to action. First, the Kiwi George Lazenby, Cross equalised and there followed a sustained period of headless chicken impressions as OBs closed down the ball, the players and the pitch without actually doing anything constructive. That was to change shortly after the interval as Yorkshire's answer to Bond, Comins, finished sweetly after a sublime T Elliott pass. If Cross's first goal was a martini, Comins' was three olives on top. Olives as garnish are supposed to bring out the taste of the gin in a martini and set it off perfectly, as the Comins goal did, although one has to be careful that the gin has not been bruised too much otherwise the taste can be over powering.
McAlpine were clearly not too concerned about spoiling taste or bruising as when they went further behind following another goal from the reliable and record breaking Cummings, and having seen three of their players mown through by the rampaging T Elliott, they, for want of a better description, kicked off. Lucky to have only one player sent off for foul and abusive language and throwing the ball at the referee, the game descended in to almost absinthe fuelled madness where metaphorically, nobody's ears were safe from being lopped off. The game became a bit dirty and it had nothing at all to do with olive brine. As McAlpine lost their way, Cross and even Henshaw capitalized to make it a flattering 5-1 rout.
The EB, now thoroughly satiated with football and alcohol, regrets that it cannot enforce a name change. Having researched extensively for all of about ten minutes on the internet and nine of those involving images of the opening line, it would appear that a dry martini is also sometimes called a "Silver Bullet" because it "is clear, potent and never misses its mark". A far more apt name for such an eloquent match report one would think. But then again, it has a touch of elegance, which the OB, like the thugs of McAlpine, just doesn’t posses.
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