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1 Sept 2009 - King's Sports Centre, Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands
Now that there are an increasing number of groupies attending the OB games, if the EB get's there late, it must hang around the gates and tout for a ticket, such is the demand to see the league leaders play. And this was why at 7.55pm last night, it found itself in the King's car park loitering in a manner that suggests it's not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school, or a Chuck E Cheese. As the EB was wondering how he could possibly sneak past the world's most active security guard, it was distracted by raucous honking coming from a multi-coloured vehicle that had just screeched to a stop as one of it's doors fell off. Never one to miss a trick, and with perception normally found only in the finest minds of Scotland Yard's most senior detectives, the fact that the two occupants of the vehicle were wearing baggy trousers, had large feet and big red noses and sad smiley faces painted on to their bewigged head, lead the EB to conclude that this was a clown car and they were indeed clowns. The EBs suspicions were confirmed when one of the passengers asked the EB to smell the rather large flower in his lapel and as the EB leaned closer it was treated to a jet of water in the face and at the same time, the other passenger splattered a custard pie into his own face. Surprised to see such high quality professional clowns at a sporting event, the EB was even more surprised to see them both pull on yellow officiating jerseys. Always a spicy encounter due to latent childishness, the OBs v Doghouse had just got interesting.
The OBs were missing the effervescent Ludford-Thomas and the rampaging T Elliot but were otherwise full strength and resplendent in their black Thistle Construction kit, they were keen to continue their record breaking season. After the first five minutes, two things were clear; firstly, that the occupants of the clown car were going to have a bearing on this game, and secondly, that unless the OBs sort out their shape in the middle they are going to get royally spanked when they come up against a good team. And that is not meaning to be in any way offensive to Doghouse as they are simply crap. Due to unchecked runs, poor marking, Helen Keller-esq vision, Doghouse thought they had taken the lead only for the referee to rightly adjudge that the striker was in the box at the time of impact. The EB would like to suggest that this stirred the OBs into some kind of action, but it didn't. However, Cummings did open the scoring, beating his man sharply on the outside on the right and rifling another unstoppable shot across the goal into the bottom corner. A pleasing finish but a rather subdued celebration, OBs can do better. Cummings then turned provider shortly after and exchanged a one-two with Gaffing that allowed him to shoot home from the left in to the gap at the near post. On the basis that Doghouse could have played until the middle of next year and still not scored from open play or from their own merit, the game was effectively over.
Feeling that they were losing the focus of the thousands of screaming clown fans eagerly pressed up against the boards, the officials took turns in over ruling each others calls, knocking each other down with ladders they were carrying on their shoulders and tripping over buckets of water. In one such fine mess, Whitaker broke free down the right, briefly cut inside and fired a shot that the 'keeper fumbled before the ball crossed the line. Despite the fact that the orbiting NASA astronauts saw daylight between goal line and ball, the goal was not given, following unsupported claims that the ball had not crossed the line. This was not too much of a problem as shortly after Blenkinsop made it three from the centre of the box with a trade mark well struck shot following good work from the back and another assist from Cummings. With the game dead and buried, Roughead found himself free on the right with time and space and a clear shot as the ball was rolled sweetly over to him. Already picturing the headline in the local newspaper at home, The Berwick Observer, "Local boy scores and it's not crack", Roughead struck the ball with such pace and accuracy that spectators were fooled into looking goal ward when their attention should have followed the ball which ended up in Miss Maisies garden in Bodden Town amongst the begonias.
The half time talk was animated; the OBs were clearly playing some poor football interspersed with moments of beauty yet it wasn't enough for the gaffer. In addition, as is custom, each of the players said their bit, including one to be unnamed Scotsman who suggested that one of the players should not be left alone at the back as a covering defender because he couldn't tackle. For the sake of less profanity and it's junior readers, the EB has paraphrased the last sentence. The Scotsman then turned to said player and offered "No offense, you just can't" as an apology. In true EB team spirit, the hapless tackler confirmed that none was taken. With this camaraderie ringing in their ears and following a half time appearance by Spiderman, no seriously, the circus that was the second half kicked off; bring on the clowns.
Shortly after the restart, Doghouse managed to claw a goal back through a hugely disputed penalty following another wayward shot that rebounded off the boards and hit the OB defender on his arm that was flat against his side. Many wouldn't have given it, justifiably claiming that there was no intent or advantage as it was clearly accidental and there were no attackers any where near the defender, but not the men of mirth who with no hesitation pointed to the spot to end the OB hopes of a clean sheet. However, it has to be said, as the EB is all about fairness and equal opportunities, that it wasn't just the OBs that suffered from the antics of Coco and Bobo. As the OBs continued to play in complete disarray, Sives decided to add to the pressure by mis-hitting a clearance against the boards that rebounded off him and into the goal. There's no rules saying it should have been disallowed, but it was. The second half continued in a scrappy manner, brightened momentarily by a Comins goal from down the right hand side following another surging run, but really, the EB has not got much else to say. When a Doghouse player got sent off for repeated fouling, it looked like the game may spark into life, but even the opportunity of meaty tackles and fruity challenges failed to ignite what in all honesty was a totally rubbish game.
The OBs have a week off next week and really need to take the time to sit on the naughty step and think about what they did wrong. Whilst there were a few positives in the match, if DMS were watching, they would be looking forward to putting one over their title challengers in the deciding clash in two weeks. However, with the promise of a week off, the EB has decided to get some high altitude training in and is off to Amsterdam to improve lung capacity and vision. It will be fun and preferable to watching the clowns. Honk honk.
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