Richard Addison 7th - Season

29 Sept 2009 - King's Sports Centre, Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands

Once upon a time in a magical sunkissed kingdom there lived a young and beautiful girl called Cinderella who worked hard every day for her ugly sisters cooking and cleaning and fetching and carrying and generally being the household skivvy. Despite the grime that she worked in and the rags that she was made to wear, her beauty was renowned far and wide. Inevitably, Whitaker had tried it on with her, approaching her through her way older friend who had plastic boobs, but surprisingly had met with no success, having been pulled away before he could get a name or a number. Cinderella's ugly sisters were a lot older and had, to put a polite term to it, been around a bit, had experience, got the t-shirt, starred in the DVD and ran their own pay per view website. They made up for their jaded splendour by wearing the finest clothes by the finest designers and always looked the best turned out and the most fashionable.

One day, the King announced that he would award a prize for the best performer in the land and that in order to win this prize, the performers must consistently demonstrate their talents over a number of months. The King was a wise old king, nearly as old as Gaffing, and he realised that prizes should only go to those that demonstrated real worth time and again, not just when the mood suited them. The Ugly Sisters had always wanted to meet the King and were desperate to impress so they entered the competition. They told Cinderella that in her rags and covered in grime, she was not fit to meet the King, and that they, as the epitome of performers were the only ones truly worthy.

Over the weeks, the Ugly Sisters were true to their word putting in dazzling performances and always, with one legal exception, bettering their peers. But as the initial stages of the competition drew to a close, they started to get cocky, because, you see, they believed they had everything, the looks, the glamour, the skills, the pedigree, but really they were just ugly ladies who felt that the King should just give them the prize because of who they were or what they had once been.

To be fair to the Ugly Sisters they did possess a number of special talents; they had the kind of drive that was born centuries ago in the Scottish Highlands, a drive that conjures up images of woan face paint, long hair and even longer short words made longer .... frrrrrreeeeeeeeedddddddddooooooooommmmmmmmm, but it was a drive that had also and more recently been modified, made better if you will, by time spent the right side of the border and also time spent going Dutch. They also had the unique looks that are hewn from the large and stoic granite boulders of Yorkshire and the tenacity that was allowed to romp carefree on the beaches of Plymouth. And they weren't shy, being possessed with international experience which meant that their rather skinny legs were overlooked and this experience included obtaining a first for Las Tortugas, in the backyard of Fidel Castro no less, and being the purveyors of the finest canine treats (made of not for) in the former Constantinople.

In short, they could be rude and ruthless and the Ugly Sisters were known throughout the kingdom for their meanness. But they were not just wreckers, they had a positive side to their talents and their performances often had flair and genuine talent. Time and again, their fellow competitors had been blown away by their proactive performances that had a touch of theatre, from the majestic New Zealand landscapes in the Lord of the Rings and the onslaught of the Orks to the moving but bittersweet and incomprehensible dialogue from Auf Weidersein Pet [spelling] there was not a genre these experienced performers could not cover.

And when they delivered, they delivered, with almost Germanic precision, only almost though because marriage doesn't count and these sisters were way too ugly to get married. Which wasn't for the want of trying as they were spiritual and believed in the bountyfulness of the one and only Buddha and for so often, he was bountiful for them. But it was their reliance on the past that was their achilles heel: used to, once was, former Essex cake champion, descendants of a famous playwrite etc, it gives you status but it doesn't mean you can automatically win things.

And so it came to pass that as the competition grew to a close, the Ugly Sisters reached a point where they were so close to the prize that they had tried so desperately to win that the success was now in their own hands and they were mistresses of their own destiny. Having never met the King and having so desperately tried for so long it appears that the Ugly Sisters overlooked the key to winning the King's prize. All along the King had stressed consistency as being crucial to winning and this proved to be the Ugly Sisters downfall.

As the King reduced the number of potiential winners to a mere handful the Ugly Sisters were surprised to see Cinderella in the competition. Their ugliness and arrogance had stopped them seeing that others with a less successful pedigree could participate, never mind get this far and they failed to appreciate that the work ethic of this meangingless skivvy was what made her strong and was the foundation of all of her performances. So when, as is inevitable in all fairy tales, the Ugly Sisters and Cinderella ended up performing against each other, it was no surprise to the fans of Little Red Riding Hood and the Three Little Pigs what happened next.

The end; and sorry children, the Ugly Sisters, unless they learn their lesson, will not live happily ever after.

Congratulations to Dart for being worthy 4-1 winners.

The EB is missing.